Why am I skinny?

Many people ask me, “Why are you so skinny?” Still a lot say, “Good for you, you are skinny.”

You know, it’s not all that good. But before I answer the question, let's take a brief photo trip.

This is an old photo I’ve managed to dig out from the old albums. This probably the chubbiest (?) I've been in. You can see the date on the bottom left. I'm the one in the pink and blue outfit at 4 years old. 

The next photos are more recent ones.

thin and tiny (at 5 feet)

(above) Doesn't really show, but that's how deep my collarbones are. They're probably deeper now, since I haven't had proper meal times in two weeks or so.

(below) Here you can see half of my spine. It shows through more on the bottom half though.

from a photoshoot with Nawe

I've only experienced chubby in my younger years (from which I have no memory of), and since then, thin was me.

I'm not saying that being skinny is bad. What I'm trying to convey is more on the health side of the issue. Whether you're fat or thin or somewhere in between, what matters most is whether you are healthy or not.

So now, let me answer the question.

I am skinny/thin because of most, if not all, of the following reasons:

• Fast metabolism. Food gets digested so fast in my tummy.
• Eating so little. I am not in any kind of diet. I am just a picky eater, meaning I eat what I feel like eating at the moment. And since I don’t have much to spend on what I like to eat, I don’t usually get to eat a lot. Also, I don’t think my tummy has much room for a lot of food all the time. I rarely pig out.
• Not eating at the right time. I usually skip breakfast (take note: most important meal of the day!) because I usually have no time to eat in the morning. If I stay at home for the day, I sleep through breakfast and lunch, and eat brunch in the afternoon instead.
• Sleeping so late. So this is why I sleep through those meals, and why I rush every morning.
• I have a small built. My aunt, who is a doctor, once told me that I have a small built and my body simply does not allow me to store that much fat, I guess.

As you can see, most of my reasons are due to an unhealthy lifestyle. I do not wish to be unhealthy, of course. Health is wealth. And no matter how much you have, if you don't have the best of health, you won't be able to enjoy life fully.

I know that not eating is probably the fastest way to lose weight, but I tell you, DO NOT do this. This will make you VERY unhealthy and can cause very painful stomach problems, like ulcer and gastro-something, as well as long-term health issues.
I've had ulcer a couple of times and, I'm telling you, it is not something you would want to experience. The very painful burning sensation in your stomach is most certainly not fun. I had a school mate before who wanted to lose weight so much, she didn't eat properly for two months and she ended up being hospitalized.
Losing weight can be done the right way by consulting a doctor. A special kind of diet can be made for you according to the needs of your body.

Sure being skinny has its advantages, such as being able to get into small spaces easily (crowded places, hide and seek), and not taking up too much space in the jeepney, but I most definitely wish to gain weight. Not only because I need to get off the underweight scale, but also to minimize the disadvantages of having even the smallest size clothes not fitting me (thin + petite frame), and to feel confident about myself. I won't feel as "fragile" as I do today.

However, I am struggling to gain weight. Some people think it’s easier to gain weight than to lose it, but only few realize that both are hard. Sometimes, people just have this fast metabolism, small bone structure, genes, or a very busy schedule that keeps them from putting on the proper weight. I'd like to correct the notion that skinny people have it easier. Because we don't. And some of us actually would like that so-called "fat transplant" if ever that was possible.

Personal Blog

Yesterday afternoon, as I was preparing to leave the house, clothed, with makeup and all, I looked at the mirror for a last time.

I realized -- I look so mean.
I wasn't sure if it was the makeup or I really do look strict.
Some say I do though, but that's besides the point.

I didn't have much makeup on, really. I just did my eyebrows, had on a little eyeliner, mascara, blush, and not-so-red lipstick. I know it sounds much, but girls will know this is just the basics.

So anyway, I looked at myself, and much to my surprise, I felt fake. I suddenly felt like I had too much makeup on, and I wasn't happy. I felt like it wasn't me anymore.

Believe me, I have nothing against makeup. I think makeup's fun and allows you to be creative and all that. And the ones I mentioned above are actually what I put on everyday to school (sans eyeliner and mascara, which I only wear sometimes).

But for some reason, I felt weird. I wondered why I bother putting on so much makeup every single time I go out of the house. I mean, I've already tried going to school once with just BB cream and lipbalm (VERY minimal, believe me) and I wasn't treated any differently. Sure it felt weird, but at that time, I didn't feel the urge to at least do my brows. It felt freeing, to tell you honestly.

I began to wonder when I'll be contented to go out and not be pressured to look "appropriate".

I looked at the mirror again and contemplated on minimizing my makeup. In the end, I decided against it.

Hmmm.
Maybe one day. But that day's not yet today.

You are beautiful because . .

At times when you feel like you are one ugly duckling, remember that there is at least one person who will always think that you are a beautiful swan. :)

Read this letter from Emma Johnson to her daughter, and be inspired.

*saw this on Ang Evangelio ni Paolo. Original article from Huffington Post.

Dear Helena,

One day when you were a baby, Aunt Tina and I were smooching all over you. After all, what's better than kissing a baby -- all that smooth, perfect skin, those rolls of fat, all that love that just oozes out of them? Kisses and kisses and kisses. "We're giving her extra kisses now so she can store them for times in her life when she might not have as many kisses," Tina said. That was exactly right.

Now you are nearly 5 and you rarely let me kiss you like that any more. But, as you know, I like to tell you every single day that you are beautiful -- for much of the same reason. Helena, I hope you read this when you are 14, and 24, and 44 and 84. I need you to know that you are beautiful. Because you are.

I was involved once with a man who let me know that he did not find me beautiful. When we first met he told me how it bothered his ex-wife that in the decades they were together, he never once told her she was beautiful. "She just wasn't to me," he said with a shrug. "Sure, she was cute. But not beautiful."

How strange, I thought. How absolutely cruel.

From then on I was acutely aware of his miserly use of that word. On the one hand, he used it freely when describing past lovers or starlets. Yet every single compliment about my appearance from this man became an insult. There were an abundance of words of admiration, yet every, "You're pretty today," and, "You look summery in that dress," became nasty, digging reminders that I was not, indeed, beautiful.

I see now that he was mistaken.

Helena, here is what I need you to know: To this day I carry a shame with me for two things related to that chapter:

1. I started to feel ugly. That was my choice. No one allowed this happen but me. But I did.
2. I stayed.

Helena, in your life you will meet many men, and some of them will not find you pretty at all. And maybe you aren't to them -- and that is totally fine! Who cares if they don't like your appearance? Such things are but a matter of taste. But let me tell you something -- you are so, so beautiful. It is not your big, curious brown eyes, those incredible eyes framed with magnificent brows and impossible lashes. You are not beautiful because of your dashing smile, the poreless olive skin or that elegant, mysterious triangle of small beauty marks that spot your face.

No, you are beautiful because of that thing -- that perfect thing inside of you. It is that same thing that is in your brother, and in snowflakes, and when you and your friends laugh on the playground, or when the morning is quiet for a moment and we see the pink and blue clouds above the city. It is inside of me, too. And it is something bigger than you and me. God? Love? The Universe? All of those things -- and other things. Things that do not have words.

And when some man lets you know that, no, sorry, you're really great and all, but you are not beautiful, you need to know that has nothing at all to do with you. Not one thing. It has something to do with that man because he cannot see. And because you are beautiful you will be kind to him -- because in all your beauty you will have that kindness and love to share.

And then you will go.

And you will find someone else, or you will be alone. But no matter what, I hope you know always -- effortlessly and unconsciously -- that you are beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.

All my beautiful love and more,

Mommy

New Year's Resolutions

Would it be too late to write one? .. Anyways ..

1. Perfect attendance in ALL my classes. I'm just your average student, you know. There are classes I like and those that I don't. Sometimes it's the course itself, sometimes it's the teacher. However, it is our responsibility as students to be diligent in school, and this includes religiously attending classes (unless of course your teacher says it's okay not to attend all the time; well that's another story..). Moving on..
2. Be kind-er to ze maid-u. I just wanted to say it that way, so yeah. You can read my previous post about this situation. Well yes, I've realized that when you get upset by something or someone, it just shows that you are affected by it/him/her. I've also read recently in a meme in the ever-knowing Facebook that the less you care, the happier you will be. And, I realize that if I give in to whatever negative feeling I have, it will still be me suffering through it all. So better move on, and just be positive. Good vibes, baby! ;)
3. Have a planner again. I had planners before but I got discouraged after this one well-loved planner of mine got lost when we had a trip to Manila (2004?). But now, I got an awesome Starbucks planner from my mum, and nice things sure get me going. Haha! See the planner here. So now, I pledge to write more and make this one also some kind of a journal to put my thoughts in. Looking forward to the next one next year! :D

Hmm. I think that would be it. If I think of others, I might just edit this post. For now, things are looking fine and I promise to carry good vibes all the time. It really helps to think positively, and if I am able to share this with others, that would be such a blessing. And, of course, we should never forget to thank God for all that He has given us, and to continuously ask for His guidance.

Have a prosperous 2013, everyone! God bless you always. :)

Communication

It was hate at first sight. I knew immediately from the moment I saw her that I was not in any way going to like her. She was 18, but with the disposition of a 13 or 14-year-old maybe, and an intellect that was way below her age. Since then, everything she did, said, looked was a nuisance to me.

I didn't want to hate nor hold a grudge against our housemaid. But I couldn't help it. It was like every circumstance sustained and even added to my feeling of being against her.

I didn't like it. Too much of that feeling was so heavy in my heart. So I prayed to God. I prayed that the feeling may go and that I will experience a peace of mind.

It happened unexpectedly. After three and a half months, today actually, it took place.

I arrived home late tonight with every intention of scolding her. Instead, I came into the house feeling very peaceful in my heart and ended up talking with her. I did tell her about those things I wanted to berate her with, but I did so in a civil way. It sounded like requests, even. She told me about an incident when she was younger wherein her older brother accidentally hit her on the head with something similar to an axe. There, it dawned on me the reason why she was mentally slow. Her brain was damaged due to that serious head injury. She also shared her experiences with her father who was physically abusive to their whole family. I realized that I indeed had a lot to be thankful for. In the end, I shared to her about the power of prayer, and I told her about God.

To sum it all up, I can say that communication is really very important. If I didn't talk to her, if I continued ignoring her, I wouldn't know all of this. I wouldn't understand why she is the way that she is. I would continue hating and live heavy-hearted.

My heart is full of thanks for God because He has enlightened me and He has answered my prayer. It was unexpected but I knew that God has made all that happen because He wanted me to be happy and to have my peace.

So to all, always remember that prayer is very powerful. Lift up everything to God and He will give you what He knows will truly make you happy. Praise the Lord!

Priorities

Today I'm sharing this post from a blog because this has inspired me and I'm hoping it will inspire you all as well. :)

When Life Is Moving Too Quick For You

Don't Blame Your Mum

So your dad's an alcoholic. Probably even takes drugs.
He hurts you physically. He nags and complains about problems that don't seem to end.
He points his gun at you, at your sister, your brother, or at your mum.

He makes your already dysfunctional family even more dysfunctional.

And then you begin to ask.

Why did Mum even marry this guy?
What did she see in him that made her think this was a man she wanted to be with her whole life?

Don't blame your mum.

She didn't know either.

When she was deciding on marrying, she had found in your dad someone who was capable of being her partner in raising a family. She had found an ally, a best friend, perhaps an ideal man.
But who knew that it would turn out this way? Not you. And neither did she.

So don't try to change what --or who-- refuses to change.
If you already did everything from trying to talk to him, seeking help from others like his relatives maybe, then the problem is with him. If he does not want to change, then you are in a losing situation.

"The only time you can change a man is when he is a baby."
If he himself does not want to help himself and try to fix his relationship with your family, then there's pretty much nothing you can do for him.



*Perhaps prayer can help. :)